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moogingShh, this is clearly not another fic sneaking onto my journal except it totally is.
Okay, issues I have with this one (because it would obviously be far too easy for me to actually like something I wrote without having any problems with it, even though I rather like this one a bit more than most): Sam has suddenly become not-Sam-like, Gene is still not Gene-like and FUCK OFF TENSES.
God, when did I become illiterate?
Anyway. I guess this is my attempt at 'post LOM fic', and it took me a while before I could think about our boys without weeping like a child (I still can't, but shhh).
Title: And the Reasons We Have
Rating: PG
Fandom: Life On Mars
Pairing: Sam/Gene
Word Count: 733
Disclaimer: Characters not mine. NOTHING IS MINE, OKAY? The BBC > me.
Summary: Sam tries to explain something, and Gene might listen. Spoilers for 2x08.
"I was going to go away," says Sam, and Gene turns to look at him.
"Why didn't you?" asks Gene, snorting in a kind of derision, and Sam sighs and looks to his other side.
It is quiet for a minute, and Sam counts the discoloured petals on the faded flowers on the wallpaper opposite him. Gene shifts a little; there isn't really enough space for both of them on Sam's tiny bed. They are lying so close together that half of Sam is sprawled over Gene and Gene has been ignoring the pins and needles in his side for so long that he's actually started to go numb.
Sam collects his limbs from their positions on Gene's torso, pulls himself round to lie on one side, facing the door and not facing Gene, and Gene kicks his legs up and down, once, because he knows Sam will notice that.
"Right, fine," says Gene. "You were going to go away, but you didn't, so why tell me?"
Gene's voice is lower now, and Sam turns so he's lying on his back again, which Gene has come to know means that Sam is going to tell him something more something than an idle exchange of words.
"I was going to go away," says Sam, again, and he shoots a glance out of the corner of his eye to see if Gene is going to interrupt.
Gene mimes zipping his mouth shut with an overly elaborate flourish. Sam smiles and doesn't say anything for a moment.
"I saw your - I saw a coat, in a shop window," he says, like he's embarrassed and it's fast enough to be an admission, not a statement. "It - it looked like yours."
"And?" prompts Gene, when Sam stops.
"And - and I stayed," says Sam, and, beside him, Gene nods.
They fall silent again.
Sam remembers walking down a bustling street with too many people and too much technology, not long after going back to work. Never one to dawdle, he'd been walking fast and trying to concentrate on this, this today, and he'd walked right past it at first. He'd doubled back, stopped as people jostled past him, stopped and stared.
In a shop window with green paint on the window ledge and a battered wooden door, there had been a camel coat at the very front of the display and Sam had stared, and stared, and stared.
Then he'd turned back to the street, walked back to his car, put his head on his steering wheel, and cried.
The day after that, he'd gone back to the shop and maybe he'd have bought that coat, but it had gone.
The day after that, he'd sat in a meeting, thinking about camel coats and the smell of cigarettes and alcohol worked deep into fabric, and had sliced a knife through his thumb without noticing.
An hour after that, he'd jumped off the top of a very tall building and died.
Everything was all right, then.
Back at the station, out in the corridor, Sam had stood too close to Gene in the inevitable argument (fight, brawl, accusation) and when it had come to blows and Gene had dragged him into the Lost and Found room and slammed him into the wall, Sam had grabbed him by the collar and slammed their mouths together, because it was a kind of brutality that drove them, after all, and this could never be sweet.
And, somehow, it had lasted.
Weeks later, Sam lies next to Gene in his too-small bed and says, "I was going to go away."
Gene moves, stretches out as much as he can, and looks at Sam, who is looking at him.
Gene looks straight ahead again. He wets his lips.
"Sometimes," he says, "I don't know what's girlier: the blouse or the ponce inside it."
He fingers the sleeve of the shirt Sam is still wearing, open over a vest that's caught somewhere between white and grey. He doesn't sound any different and Sam turns his head away again, but Gene's fingers tighten around Sam's arm and Sam knows he's understood.
Sam falls asleep soon after, and Gene, watching him in the dark, lets him take most of the blanket.
*
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no subject
Date: 2007-05-11 09:23 pm (UTC)You basically win all things.
(God, it feels like ages since I watched Life on Mars. DON'T LEAVE ME, BOYS)
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Date: 2007-05-11 09:33 pm (UTC)I just wanted his decision to be about Gene, because
the crazy voice in my head told me soof their love.(I knoow, I've not watched it for too long. I do have the pull-out Radio Times cover of LOVELY GAY BOYS on my wall, and that helps with the missing-of-them a bit.)
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Date: 2007-05-11 09:50 pm (UTC)(I have it on my wall too omg isn't it just GORGEOUS)
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Date: 2007-05-12 05:48 pm (UTC)GAY LOVEFRIENDSHIP' and then the finale was all 'BETRAYALS IN YOUR FACE NOW'.I still have only watched the finale once; it hurts too much (even though I was also happy with the way it ended, minus the lack of Sam/Gene quibble).
It is just above my bed, under my 'I want to believe' poster because it as special as X FILES to me (also, I am a sad person who then went 'heehee, I'm sleeping under Sam and Gene, I am a harlot').
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Date: 2007-05-11 10:26 pm (UTC)In a shop window with green paint on the window ledge and a battered wooden door, there had been a camel coat at the very front of the display and Sam had stared, and stared, and stared.
Then he'd turned back to the street, walked back to his car, put his head on his steering wheel, and cried.
I DON'T THINK I KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS BIT. OTHER THAN THAT I HAD TO READ IT THROUGH A LOT OF TIMES AND IT MADE MY HEART HURT.
I love your turn of phrase: Sam collects his limbs from their positions on Gene's torso, for example, just gave me exactly the right image, and, yes.
I don't know how this managed to have bleakness and heartbreak wrapped up with the security and the understanding at the end, but I'm glad it did, and, asjdhakjshfjkh just please don't stop writing them.
Also, I thought you might like to know that Loz actually texted me to let me know you had posted fic, such is your appeal. :D
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Date: 2007-05-12 05:51 pm (UTC)Loz actually texted me to let me know you had posted fic - Really? Really really? I feel special now. *happyface*
LOOK LOOK IT ONLY TOOK ME LOTS OF FIC TO MAKE ONE OF THEM CRY! (And it would have to be Sam, because I could never ever write crying!Gene and have him be anywhere near character, seeing as he's never in character when I write him anyway.)
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Date: 2007-05-12 12:21 pm (UTC)Okay, issues I have with this one...
...NO. BAD GIRL. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I LOVE THE WHOLE COAT-N-THE-WINDOW THING, AND THAT IT WAS GENE THAT BROUGHT SAM, BACK, REALLY, AND:
An hour after that, he'd jumped off the top of a very tall building and died.
Everything was all right, then.
YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I LOVE YOU.
Sam falls asleep soon after, and Gene, watching him in the dark, lets him take most of the blanket.
ENDING! With that little detail! Was awesome!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
no subject
Date: 2007-05-12 05:54 pm (UTC)(Do you have a Huge Massive Big list of Latin words to learn, possibly in a purple booklet that says 'OCR GCSE Latin Vocab List' on the front? I am trying to plough my way through it, for the Tuesday exam (ZOMG just realised - shhh, I'm thick - we'll have the same paper so we could stress about it together afterwards!) and WHAT WHAT WHY SO MANY VERBS YOU CRAZY ROMANS? JUST SAY HELLO AND STOP TALKING WHY MUST YOU TALK WITH THE VERBS?)
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Date: 2007-05-12 07:26 pm (UTC)AHAHAHA!!!!!!! Well, yes, we don't get a la-di-dah purple booklet, thank you very much, just these white A4 sheets stapled together, but it's basically the same principle. XD
ZOMG just realised - shhh, I'm thick - we'll have the same paper so we could stress about it together afterwards!
ZOMG I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT TODAY!
We must convene at some point Tuesday afternoon. But, seriously, I'm fairly ok with the Language exam, but I keep having these actual panic attacks whenever I think about the Verse paper.
...Well, um, not medically actual panic attacks, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH.
no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 01:54 am (UTC)You writes good baby.
Haven't been around LJ much but I'm back with a vengance again...I did see a picture of David Tennant with a kitty here though and for that I owe you my life...there was much squeeing over that :)
Will reply to your email when I have something to actually tell you dates-wise. Oh, life is so complex :p
LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU AND MISS YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU so much.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
no subject
Date: 2007-11-24 09:50 pm (UTC)This is canon.
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Date: 2007-11-25 01:37 pm (UTC)(I feel that the last episode should have included some form of scene like this. Or, failing that, any kind of Sam + Gene + bed = !!! for the masses :D)
no subject
Date: 2011-05-15 08:06 am (UTC)