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moogingmissfoxie and now my head hurts, the lighting in my room has gone all to hell and Life On Mars is leaving me tomorrow.So, I wrote vague porn with lots of staring at Gene. I hope no-one minds.
Title: Denial is a Kind of Lucidity
Rating: R, but not WOAH PORN. Just...a little bit of porn.
Fandom: Life On Mars
Pairing: Sam/Gene
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, OR THEY WOULDN'T BE LEAVING ME TOMORROW OH GOD.
Summary: There are ways of being insane and there are ways of not thinking about it.
A/N: The beginning is a little not great, in my opinion, but I quite like this by the end. Absolutely no spoilers for any episode, I am unspoiled for tomorrow and I wish to stay that way.
Sam is quite probably insane.
He knows this.
Even if this is all a coma-induced dream, even if this is where his mind takes him to distance himself from the pain of healing, even if he doesn't have any control over what or why or how this is, he's still probably insane. Thinking about it doesn't help.
But the detail, the level of insanity, that's the kicker.
Streets. Buildings. Endless reams of people and names and backgrounds, and why, why is he making this up?
Is he?
It can't be real.
It can't be real, because in reality, Sam has an iPod, Sam has a mobile phone and Sam has a girlfriend.
She has dark hair and dark eyes and laughs like she's been caught off guard; she's slim, she's pretty, she's quick-witted, she's subtle, she's kind, she's caring, she's female.
Gene - Gene is the person Sam thinks about whenever he thinks about Maya, and this is a new kind of insanity.
Alone in a dull, faded flat on a small, dull bed, Sam has his blankets up to his chest (he has some false sense of modesty, even here, even in this solitude), sweat dripping down his neck because it's summer and it's hot, and one hand on his cock, under his boxer shorts, the elastic at the waist scratching his wrist.
He should be thinking about Maya. He should be thinking about Annie. He's actually thinking about Gene, about that barking laugh, the stride to his walk, the way he can take Sam completely unawares when nothing else can, not anymore.
Gene uses volume as power, physical contact as underlying meaning and has a blatant disregard for personal space: maybe that's about keeping the upper-hand, thinks Sam, twisting in his sheets, or maybe that's just to keep people on edge.
Gene is intimidating, commanding, abrupt, harsh; Gene wears godawful shoes, drives like a maniac, swaggers like a cowboy on crack, leans in too close, pushes too far. Gene uses violence for everything from anger to emotion, to thanks, to expressions of everything and anything, breath hot on Sam's neck, hands on Sam's chest, leg between Sam's and the violence gets lost, sometimes, in the intimacy of it all.
Sam moans, in bed, alone, with his hand on his cock and his back spasming. He pumps his hips and thinks of bloodied knuckles, leather driving gloves, seething fury inches from his face and he comes, clenching a fist around the sheet beneath him and pretending it's a shirt collar he's gripping, and that this is a fight.
It leaves him breathless, boneless, weak, unable, for several moments, to move or to clean himself up.
He has to change all the bedclothes: they're stained with sweat and Sam is half-ashamed to think about what else.
Insanity, he thinks, is imagining the smell of your own sex sweat on your not-real bedsheets in your made-up flat.
Maybe insanity is a lot like denial.
Maybe insanity is the most lucid he can be.
Then again, he decides, pulling a sheet taut over a grubby mattress corner, maybe a fantasy doesn't mean anything and fighting is just that,
Maybe it is.
Maybe he is just insane.
*Look, I have a suitable icon now! Took me long enough.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2007-04-09 10:22 pm (UTC)Also? This is good (now I understand LofM stuff). My fave lines? "It can't be real, because in reality, Sam has an iPod, Sam has a mobile phone and Sam has a girlfriend.", "Gene uses volume as power, physical contact as underlying meaning" and "Gene wears godawful shoes, drives like a maniac, swaggers like a cowboy on crack, leans in too close, pushes too far.". I like the way you describe Gene, really works and is done very well.
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Date: 2007-04-09 10:27 pm (UTC)Miss youuuu. I did get your text. I am actually rather shit at replying to texts, you may have noticed.
Thank you for saying nice things about this - I'm never quite sure that I'm any good at writing Gene, I think it's because I like him the besterest and I can never write the characters I really like and, um, thank you.
No, it's just that main bulb that's gone but it's hurting my head and I don't know, I think I'm just tired and the lighting is a bit shit.
I have fallen in love with Martha Wainwright. This is quite clearly your fault.
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Date: 2007-04-09 10:33 pm (UTC)You seem good at writing Gene, and your prose is as strong and 'BAM!' as Gene is. Tis goodness.
It is quite clearly my fault. And I don't mind one bit, for she is good. Now just try to find the song 'Bloody Motherfucking Asshole' because it's a wonderful song.
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Date: 2007-04-09 10:35 pm (UTC)*clings to you* I may be a bit meepy that you are no longer here.
I have found the song you mention - you remember I saved the link to the Kara video with it on? So yaye, I be loving the song.
Thank you for thinking my prose is as 'BAM' as Gene is
I bet his uphill gardening is just as BAM.no subject
Date: 2007-04-09 10:41 pm (UTC)Aww *cuddles Moog*, I'm rather morose now there is no Moogness. You are such fun and cuteness, and basically everything this second half of term will not be.
PLS NOT TO BE TALKING ABOUT GENE'S UPHILL GARDENING. Wrong. Many levels.
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Date: 2007-04-09 10:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-09 10:32 pm (UTC)Also, yaye for liking the way I write. I like the way you write. We both win stuff, hooray!
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Date: 2007-04-09 10:39 pm (UTC)WHERE DO I START.
It's so HOT. And so TRUE. The entire thing is my favourite part, but best bits were:
swaggers like a cowboy on crack - Best. Imagery. EVER.
He pumps his hips and thinks of bloodied knuckles, leather driving gloves, seething fury inches from his face and he comes, clenching a fist around the sheet beneath him and pretending it's a shirt collar he's gripping, and that this is a fight. - *wibble*
Insanity, he thinks, is imagining the smell of your own sex sweat on your not-real bedsheets in your made-up flat. - YEEEEEEEEES. The Latinist in me is going 'TRICOLON!', but don't worry, I'm smothering her with a pillow as we speak. XD
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Date: 2007-04-09 10:44 pm (UTC)I liked the imagery too. Because it made me giggle, and it's also so true - in my mind, at least.
I'm glad you thought it was hot! Hotness is always good, methinks.
I KNOW TRICOLON. Don't smother the Latinist. The Latinist in me likes her.
I keep trying to make myself post fic on the LOM community but I never quite have the nerve.
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Date: 2007-04-09 10:47 pm (UTC)Um, coherence? YES. Our Latinists can play together in the half-finished buildings of Dido's Carthage.
Or something. :D
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Date: 2007-04-09 10:50 pm (UTC)I'm having issues with Carthage today. I'm still trying to drill more of the sodding thing into my brain, and hey, Dido, you know something? TAKE YOUR FUCKING NEVER ENDING HATRED AND HYPERMETRIC ELLISIONS WITH UNMEMORABLE STYLE NOTES AND DIE FASTER.
/rant.
If I post it, and everyone hates me, I blame you, okay? Does the summary/blurb bit need any work for me to post it on a place?
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Date: 2007-04-09 10:52 pm (UTC)OK, that is FINE, because THEY WILL LOVE IT. I think the summary's fine as it is.
I'm having issues with Carthage today. I'm still trying to drill more of the sodding thing into my brain...
AND SHUT UP 'CAUSE I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING EXCEPT COPY OUT THE BIT WHERE SHE DIES AND THE BLOOD IS FROTHING AND EWWWWWWWWW.
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Date: 2007-04-09 11:04 pm (UTC)Can I ask how you go about learning our beloved Aeneid? My 'technique' involves just saying it over and over and over and over and over again, pointing at the words as I do.
It drives me a little bit mad, but not to levels of Dido-like crazy. Not yet, at least.
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Date: 2007-04-09 11:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 01:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 11:18 am (UTC)That icon is gorgeous, by the way.
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Date: 2007-04-10 03:28 am (UTC)Also, loved the fic. This fandom is seriously lacking in wank fics.
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Date: 2007-04-10 11:20 am (UTC)Thank you - and a little wank fic can't do any harm. ;D
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Date: 2007-04-10 05:19 am (UTC)x
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Date: 2007-04-10 11:35 am (UTC)Your icon is brilliant, by the way, and so very true :D
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Date: 2007-04-10 02:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-10 05:45 am (UTC)^ My favourite bit, hands down.
The entire thing was hot and I really like it. Your descriptions of Gene were spot on, I thought.
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Date: 2007-04-10 11:38 am (UTC)It all kind of came together through 'oooh, let's write about Sam thinking about Gene so that I can think about Gene' ... and then the hot kind of appeared without me really thinking about it.
I'm not sure what that says about me, to be honest! Ah well.
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Date: 2007-04-10 12:22 pm (UTC)Gene just DOES have that effect on people.
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Date: 2007-04-10 01:37 pm (UTC)Thank you for the comment!
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Date: 2007-04-10 01:29 pm (UTC)1) IT'S YOU!!! I've been trying to remember who it was that came up with 'kinky squirrelsecks' as it inspired a fab little bunny to nuzzle endearingly away at me until I wrote kinkysquirrelsecsfic. Which I did. So thank you!
2) Your icon is a work of genius - I knew that pic was after a caption, and that's it.
3) The fic, of course - fab! Sam gets off on Gene (as it should be), but maybe gets off on angst just a teenyweeny bit more. Which sounds about right too.
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Date: 2007-04-10 01:39 pm (UTC)Thank you for both the icon and the fic compliment. Icon-wise: hee, yes, the caption just seemed to suit it. Fic-wise: yes, angst + Gene = happy!Sam. Which seems slightly perverse, but then Sam isn't exactly the most normal of people, so that must be right.
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Date: 2007-04-10 04:44 pm (UTC)xXx
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Date: 2007-04-10 05:41 pm (UTC)Your icon is also a thing of awesome.
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Date: 2007-04-11 10:53 am (UTC)Gene uses violence for everything from anger to emotion, to thanks, to expressions of everything and anything, breath hot on Sam's neck, hands on Sam's chest, leg between Sam's and the violence gets lost, sometimes, in the intimacy of it all.
asd;lkjjf is what I wish to (eloquently) say to that.
Also, clenching a fist around the sheet beneath him and pretending it's a shirt collar he's gripping, and that this is a fight, because it's kind of one step further in the whole "Sam/Gene violence = sex" theory which I love so dearly.
Basically I am now degenerating into rambling but please never stop writing.
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Date: 2007-04-11 07:16 pm (UTC)Sam/Gene violence = sex - I AM ALSO A BIG FAN OF THIS THEORY. A lot. It is just so true.
Hee, you highlighted the bit I like. We must have some form of mind-connection-y-ness. And you read it three times and you have no idea how happy this makes me (a lot).
I like rambling, keep on doing that!
I am very sorry that this comment sounds so stalkerish. Um. Yes.
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Date: 2007-04-13 07:21 pm (UTC)(Also, sorry, I have lost count of the comments I have left you in the past hour or so, but you see I'm having to catch up with everything and it's a bit mad, so I might end up repeating myself or something, er.)
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Date: 2007-04-13 10:16 pm (UTC)And also, er, thank you for the compliments (although my brain instantly starts negating them for me, which is, um, not exactly nice but still) and they do make me smile a lot.
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Date: 2007-04-21 10:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-22 04:43 pm (UTC)